Good evening everyone. Ever had one of those days where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry? I mean, you’re so stressed out yet having such playful work ‘bant’ that it seems to pass you by? You know; the stress train that whistles past you on a direct line to crash-town whilst you’re teetering on the platform of employment-based revelry?
Anyway, even if you don’t, today was one of those days for me. The reason for the heightened levels of angst in the office is because the external auditors are in. You know, the Ofsted inspectors of accountants? Often characterised as the dullest form of beige? As actual human beings, they’re surprisingly sound guys, they’re just sheep wrapped up in.....flannel clothing. No wolves...wolves show their emotions too much...and howl less.
Since last week’s list-based posting seemed to be well-appreciated, I will provide you with another set of free tips, although these are more specific and less useful throughout the ins and outs of daily life.
Here it goes:
The Five Steps to Surviving an Audit (or any other critique of your work)
1 Pretend to be polite, even if you hate their guts - Nothing says “extra work” for you like a snide comment or guillotining them with a short response. Sometimes the best way to play the game is to ‘yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir’ the referee, even if you do think he’s more of a tool than a Black & Decker EPC18CA cordless power drill.
2 Look busy even if you’re not - Nothing gets you out of work another mountain-load of work than appearing to be intently busy on a current task. Even if its bashing insignificant numbers into a calculator and then audibly going “hmmmm”, it’ll do the trick. Until there’s a guy about to ask you to retrieve a single piece of paper from an immensely large cabinet full of mislabelled lever-arch files, you never realise how incomplete your life is without knowing the square root of BOOBS, I mean 80085.
3 Don’t lie, just be economical with the truth - As is the philosophy in our department; “accountancy is an art, not a science”. Therefore, be creative with everything: numbers, words, questions et cetera. You could get into some deep philosophical and epistemological cul-de-sac about there being “no absolute facts”, but I wouldn’t (see the first point) as this could give away the fact you’re lying through clenched and gnawing teeth.
4 Remember to be covert - Pretend your workplace is Colditz Castle and they’re the guards. “Verr are your papers?” you imagine them ask. This will remind you to keep things on the down-low and should hopefully stop you shouting: “Shit, these important *insert business-related acronym* documents haven’t been filed since 1978!!” Being covert also means remembering that they too have home-times and a lunch break. If you’re wise you can utilise these times to perform your “legitimate business practices.”
5 Remember it’s only for a week - However stressed or uptight you get around your superiors, jurors or Colditzian guards never forget that it’s for a limited period of time. It might be a day, an afternoon conference-call grilling or a week-long inquisition; but it is finite and is shorter than the length of your employment (hopefully). Use the experience to build up your archive of anecdotes or to recall to scare your future children into doing their homework, whatever. Just don’t flip out (he says with beers in hands).
I hope these translate for you who don’t work in accountancy or an office-based environment. If not you’re probably bored or not reading this. For those of you who are, I appreciate it.
Evening All.
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