Getting Mugged By Wayne Rooney

I’m going to come clean. I was planning to write an article stating why Premier League footballer’s wages and banker’s bonuses are great to have in the UK at this time. (Basically, a drudgingly obvious article about how the Treasury gets 50% tax on most of it and it’s better that our government had it, than someone else’s....like ‘ze Germans’.) Then, whilst casually checking my email, Yahoo (yes, I am still in 1998) prompted me to read  this article  which, if you can’t be bothered to read it - outlines that numerous footballers, most famously Mr Rooney are evading paying top-rate tax by calling themselves ‘brands’ and are being taxed on their ‘image rights’ rather than by their actual weekly paycheques: Paying Georgey Osborne’s piggybank about 20% rather than 50% of their pocket money.

This aggravated me twofold. Firstly, it spoilt the subject of my article which I had been planning in my head for a matter of minutes. And secondly, because who actually sees Wayne Rooney et al as brands? My closest friend Joe Public and I mocked (albeit with a loving patronising quality) Stuart ‘the brand’ Baggs on this year’s saga of Britain’s Got the  Business Acumen Factor...sorry, I mean The Apprentice. But who’s mocking Wayne and his chums? 

If he is a recognisable brand like Nike or McDonalds, then why isn’t his face on my trainers or why aren’t I chewing on his buns...actually, don’t answer that. If Wayne really wants to defend his position as being classed as a ‘brand’ to HM’s Revenue & Customs,  then surely he could audition to be the new face of Starbucks! Cracking idea Gromit! Now that the American coffee giant feels itself so big that it doesn’t even have to name its own products, maybe Wayne’s face can replace the relatively abstract green girl, doll...mermaid....thing. If anyone knows what it is, answers on a postcard please.

Maybe that really is the idea to cutting down the British people’s reliance on overpriced caffeinated beverages? Put an undesirable face on the container, and give it a cool, cruelly sadistic name; par example ‘mug on a mug’! Bingo! British people save money and get their coffee at work, independent shops reclaim our high-streets and our heart palpitations disappear. Hazzar! They’d probably give Mr Rooney a Peerage for services for public health you know...especially if they extended the ‘mug on a mug’ range to alcoholic beverages. Binge drinking would disappear from public life faster than a hen party can shout “get it down you zulu warrior”.  Would you buy as many drinks if you had to look at an ugly face whilst consuming them? What’s more...you could have appropriately celebrities on their namesake bottles: Janet Street PORTer, Amy WINEhouse, this stuff writes itself. 

Before I’m either sued or put in charge of the NHS for this ground-breaking idea, I would like to thank you all for reading these incredibly ad hoc thoughts and for your continued support. 

PS: If anyone can think of anymore ugly-celebrity-alcohol-name puns, let me know and the best one will get an honourable mention.


PPS: Courtesy and copyright goes to Reuters for the picture.