Twenty Five Things I’ll Never Understand

With the recent news that Zurich-based petro-chemical company Petroplus is on the verge of bankruptcy, it made me ponder other things I don’t understand. Surely there’s always a demand for petrol right?

                     

1 Why Katy Perry ever thought it would be a good idea to get married to Russell Brand.

2 Why big ‘geek-chic’ thick-framed glasses are a la mode. You look like a tool. You probably don’t even need to wear glasses. If necessity dictated that you had to wear glasses of some description; you wouldn’t choose ones that weighed a ton and squished your nose. 

3 When and where to use a semi-colon and where to use an actual colon.

4 Why in recent months China is more capitalistic than the USA. (China’s populous are rioting over the delay of the new iPhone product release, whereas the Americans are trying to censor and restrict the Internet in a rather totalitarian way.) 

5 How television production company Endemol is £2.3bn in debt, when the British public have had to suffer ten series worth of Big Brother which would’ve brought them loads of money. 

6 Olber’s Paradox. (The idea that if the universe is filled with a near infinite number of galaxies each with an infinite number of stars then why is the sky not incredibly bright?)

7 Why the Coen brothers are still allowed to direct films. Their films are like this sentence, they don’t have an...

8 How the good British people invented trains, football, MP3 players, the Internet, steel production, calculus, and the jet engine...and why we’re now shit at making the most of them. 

9 Why Steve Jobs has been idolised. He wasn’t Farraday, Curie or Dirac.

10 Why in university education, the number of contact hours with academic staff is inversely proportional to the importance of the year of study. 

11 How the British people haven’t rioted over the over-taxation of fuel....yet.

12 Why nurses, social workers and our armed forces don’t get paid more. The vast majority do a brilliant job every single day for less than your average call-centre-monkey.

13 Who Kim Kardashian is, or for that matter, why she’s famous for being it.

14 How a person can allow themselves to reach a weight which leads them to being juxtaposed to a marine mammal. I weigh 16 stone and I’m self-conscious about it. How the hell do you get to 40 stone without thinking ‘mmmm, I think I better put the fork down now.’

15 Why people with lots of money buy conceptual art. If a toddler can make it, it’s not art: it belongs in a f*ckin’ nursery.

16 How Apple got away with storing iPhone users’ geographic movement data for years, apparently without realising. Then, to have the cheek to say ‘oops, we didn’t realise’ when they were caught. Seriously? That’s a hell of a lot of data.

17 Why women don’t realise the beauty industry is based more on Adobe’s Photoshop, than on science or ‘Bifidus Nutrisse Ultra-Shine GlossMax Micropore Digestivum’.

18 Why every single British government have tried to ‘re-design’ the NHS since its inception. Stop faffing around and just give it more money! Silly MPs - you won’t be in power to see your proposals go through anyway!

19 How Bruce Forsyth is still alive. (It’s depressing he’s physically fitter than I am, despite the fact he’s wiser by 60 years.)

20 How you could ever think that it would be a good idea to shag your sister-in-law. Then continue to do so for eight years. Ryan Giggs anyone? 

21 Why Madeleine McCann’s parents haven’t been arrested for child negligence. They abandoned their child in a locked room so they could go out drinking with their yuppy friends whilst on holiday. What did they expect would happen? 

22 How the cinema-viewing public CAN’T find Keira Knightley annoying. She needs acting lessons and a food source. FAST. Wait...there’s a poor food pun there....QUICKLY.

23 The need for people to put grated carrot on salads.

24 Why Hotmail accounts haven’t been quarantined in some Chernobyl/Pripyat style humanitarian operation due to the sheer volume of computer viruses that live therein. It’s a bloody write-off isn’t it?

25 Why it’s so hard to find a job in Berkshire.

Thanks for reading.