Nothing Is New In The Arts

Amazon.co.uk please do not feign knowledge about me. You do not know what I like and you  certainly cannot differentiate between what I buy myself and what I buy for others. Just because something is popular does not mean that I will be "interested" in it. Opium and Syphilis were popular during the 19th Century, but I don't see you offering those on Prime with a 1-Click Delivery service....If Lewis Carroll was around today, he'd be incredibly disappointed.


What you have done Amazon, by showing me your shiny new DVD and music collections is demonstrate that our leading artists and advertising nerds have no original thoughts left what so ever.

For example. In the 'Action' film section of Amazon, you will find the following:

That's right. Coming soon to your DVD shelf. The 2013 Best-seller....Generic hard-man with a hand-gun walks away from a building that's either structurally unsound or about to explode.

It's small man syndrome with a gazillion dollar sponsor. "I can't think of something witty or new or intellectual so I'll just shoot shit and blow stuff up. That gets girls' attention. Right?....Right?"


FUCK ME HOLLYWOOD. SORT YOUR SHIT OUT.

Then I thought....calm down Edwards. Hollywood's always been pumped full of narcotics, Viagra and testosterone....why else would the state of California vote for Arnie? (I was going to include a list of Arnold Schwarzenegger based DVD-covers which were from the same artistic school as the ones above but there are just TOO many and I don't want to risk crashing Blogger.)

Music. British music. You're alright. You've brought us The Jam, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Stone Roses....they all had pretty cool album covers because the music on those albums was pretty good.

What horror to find these A-sides in the 'Top New Music' section in our favourite rainforest:

That's right. Coming to a stereo system near you: Pretentious artist delivers new monochromatic album cover  which alludes to film-noir in an arrogant, faux-empathetic style.

The inserts in these albums actually say  "Look at me -  I have so many emotions, I do all of these different faces and I can hold at least three different instruments in different poses but I'm not classically trained in any of them because that would be mainstream." SORT IT OUT MUSICIANS!

THROW A TV OUT OF A HOTEL WINDOW OR SOMETHING!

YOU'RE LESS EXCITING THAT FOOTBALLERS!!

 WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!!?




Sorry readers. I promise my next one will be calmer.

The Worst Job Advert in the World

Above is an amalgamation of the numerous job adverts I've seen over the years. I hope it strikes a humorous chord with some of you. Apologies for the poor quality.

5 Recent Reasons Why Apple Inc is on the Way Down

                              5 Recent Reasons Why Apple Inc is on the Way Down

Apple Inc was a company which was loved. I mean really loved. Such a fan-base was hard to find in the typically cold, sterile, ever-vicious technology market of the nineties and noughties. 

However, from being the ‘cooky, a la mode alternative’, Apple’s products quickly surged to become market leaders. This sudden dominance not only made them richer than the US Government Treasury but also made them lose their identity and obvious market niche of ‘not-being Monopoly-Microsoft’. When they became larger than they imagined, without an obvious competitor to catch-up to and with the passing of Mr Jobs, it all started to unravel somewhat....

1. iPad Mini

Who doesn’t love blatant hypocrisy? Usually the perpetrators are government ministers promising they won’t do X in their pre-election speeches. Then, lo and behold, X is brought -in within a year of them being elected. The public sigh and lose even greater faith. Repeat ad infinitum.

It comes then as quite a shock that Apple has recently brought out the iPad Mini. Not only because everyone was expecting a better name than ‘Mini’, but because former Apple champion Steve Jobs was once quoted as saying: 

“Seven-inch tablets are tweeners: too big to compete with a smartphone and too small to compete with the iPad. ….Seven-Inch tablets are dead on arrival....There are clear limits of how close you can place physical elements on a touch screen, before users cannot reliably tap, flick or pinch them. This is one of the key reasons we think the ten-inch screen size is the minimum size required to create great tablet apps.”

Not only that. I mean, not only has Mr Jobs been proved cataclysmicly incorrect (just look at how good the Nexus and the Kindle Fire are doing). But this product foundation was further collaborated by Apple’s new CEO Tim Cook, who during the all-hands Q4 financial results call stated:

“On comments that Steve made before about 7 inch tablets, let me be clear, we would not make one of the 7 inch tablets, we don’t think they’re good products, we’d never make one.”

Unbelievable lying! So the 7.9” iPad Mini then is therefore “not good” and “dead on arrival”.  Who wants to spend £269 on one....anyone?

2. Mountain Lion was Still a Suckling Cub when it was Released into the Wild.

An Apple operating system (OS) is typically very, very good. I’m writing this on Snow Leopard. A beautiful, sleek, endangered species of operating system - one that’s so quiet and cooperative - you don’t hear any noise when it’s hunting...I mean working. The old Apple philosophy for an OS was ‘keeping throwing money into R&D, make it quicker, more intuitive and only release it when people are gagging for it.’ 

Old Apple knew that to maximise sales; demand has to be at its highest. For example, there was just under two years between the release of Leopard and Snow Leopard. And, on the whole, the successor did not disappoint. Any period of time significantly less than two years and the product appears rushed and the public infer that you are fire-fighting and trying to cover up a problem. So then, when there was only 370 days between Lion and its protege Mountain Lion, people knew something was afoot.

To quote the first (and most helpful) review from Mac’s own App Store:

Worst. *

17-Oct-2012

“I don’t understand Apple. Why bring this out, and make people pay for it and all it does is mess up the machine? So many programs I have don’t work now. I’ve been an Apple user for the last seven years and now I’ve decided to go back to PC. Apple have really let me down and others also judging by the reviews. It makes no sense at all.” 

There we go. The moral of the story is, if your competitor is about to release it’s latest rival product after three expensive years of R&D (Windows 8), don’t rush yours and just ‘throw it out there’. Bide your time and only try and sell something when it’s worthy of buying.

3. The Constant War of (Legislative) Attrition

Many people are speculating over the start of World War Three. They’re all wrong. It’s already here. Sure, there are no bombs, bullets or battlefields - this war is being fought in the courtroom.

The Apple v Nokia v Samsung v Microsoft battle continues to simmer. Finland, South Korea and the USA fight it out over patents, technicalities and who slid-to-unlock first.

The fact that a company fights to protect its own copyrightable material is great. It shows pride, common sense and proves the old adage that the best things in life are worth fighting for. 

However, Apple in its waxing period was vehemently ruthless in ‘liberating’ ideas from other companies. It is now only since Apple is now in the Premier League of cooperations that it takes the moral high-ground. It won’t allow other companies to use the same tactics through which it achieved greatness. As Mr Jobs was often quoted as saying: 

“Picasso had a saying - 'good artists copy, great artists steal' - and we have always been shameless about stealing great ideas.”

For another example of hypocrisy, please re-read point one.

4. Lack of Originality

Aluminium, golden ratios and glass screens. All of these have been around for years. Why o why then has Apple Inc not updated its design? Sir Jonathan Ive is one of the leading figures of British design of the last century: Akin to James Dyson, George Carwardine, Alec Issigonis and many, many others.

But, like many, I fear a case of Alex Ferguson-itis occurring in sunny California: Staying longer than the welcome as the creative juices have dried up (hence the need to bring out such banal inventions as the ‘Mini’ iPad....)

The products that used to be released by Apple changed the world. The iPod re-invented music and its consumption forever. Where is the pizazz, the wow-factor of old?

Even the toy company Fisher Price have re-designed their phones:

No major new products means no new major injections of cash.

5. iOS 6 Maps 

Where to start? I mean, I don’t know where to start because I’m lost - thanks to iOS 6 Maps application.

A lot of keys have been depressed writing about how poor this software is. And, let’s fact it, Apple only released it so they wouldn’t have to give Google the satisfaction of paying them for usage of their superior software. 

To epitomise how bad it is, here’s a picture I found on the Interwebs demonstrating this point:

                                                             quod erat demonstrandum.

Under the Coffee Table

It's that time again.

That once-every-seven-years when the hoomins decide to make loud noises out of their usual realm: To venture to Outside and watch the bright colours and the horrendous, ghastly noises.

The Outside noises are worse than the upright noise-machine they sometimes use: not because of the volume, but because of the sheer randomness and the frequency. At least my masters have the decency and politeness to warn me about the upright noise-machine, (usually by shooing or verbal communication).

These 'foi-yer-work-es' as I believe they are called, are offensive. When they go off on a day which is not the specified day (i.e. any time from hoomin 'Ok-toe-bear' to 'Jhan-you-erry' [as I believe they are written]), I get tormented and patronised when they see me cowering under the coffee table. I do genuinely appreciate my masters' concern, but they cannot hear the horror and more specifically, the ringing, going-on inside my head.

Although hoomins are the master race with superior anatomical dexterity and gladly feed me many delectable treats - they do have one flaw: Their hearing in comparison to mine and others of my species is what can only be described as 'piss-poor'. If they could hear the high-pitched whistling screeches that pierce my ears, they'd be cowering too, and certainly not venture to Outside in the cold and wet to watch those blasted things. Torture.

For what reason do these noise and light projectiles pierce our beautiful starry sky? From half-cut table-talk I've eavesdropped during a belated November dinner party, I am led to believe it has something to do with a hoomin many ages ago who wanted to destroy a big house full of powerful masters. Why such a tradition has lived for so long is difficult to understand, but then again - I'm not in charge... No thumbs.

If this hoomin is celebrated in this way with a seven-yearly festival, then why is this Bin-Larrden hoomin? Am I not correct in thinking he ventured a similar plot? (N.B: I am also perplexed as to why they would name a person after the box that I am not allowed to rummage through.)

Listening to many hoomin conversations has raised a further question that is something of an irony. From the rants and the under-the-breath mutterings (that's right, I can hear) of my masters about polyticks (which aren't to be mistaken with fleas); I understand that they would all love to destroy this parlyement house, but continue to celebrate the execution of someone who didn't...

Hoomins...I will never understand thee.

Don’t call me misogynistic, but I’d rather see Sophie Dahl nude than people spewing food.

As a post-graduate art historian, I’m used to studying the female form and being twenty-something with a Y chromosome; I have a keen eye for its detail. There is a time and a place for nudity, for titillation, and for appreciating its magnificence and its symmetry. Both art and architecture aspire to be as flowing, as inspired and as beautiful as the curves and proportions of Venus.

Ingres, Manet, Titian, Cabanel and Botticelli are the big five when it comes to famous artistic portrayals of the female nude (or ‘slutty hooker’ in Manet’s case). Their art works are timeless because beauty itself is timeless. It comes then as quite a shock to learn that Yves Saint Laurent’s advert for its new ‘Opium’ perfume is; as The Telegraph reports - the eighth most complained about advert of all time. Why so? I mean, sure, she’s unclothed but she’s nude, not naked. She is portrayed to not be aware of the viewer’s gaze which is the defining difference between the two: The knife-edge between risqué elegance and sheer pornography.

Sophie Dahl may not be everyone’s ‘odalisque of choice’ in the model stakes, but her figure is charming, slender and youthful – perfect for wide-angled billboards across the country. My only complaint is that she doesn’t do more modelling – if that’s what it takes for her to NOT appear as a ‘celebrity TV chef’.  When she appeared on BBC2, she tarnished my respect for the Beeb. To quote the old sporting adage, she had “all the gear and no idea”. 

With all this said, I wonder how many of the thousands who complained about Miss Dahl also complained about KFC’s horrific thirty seconds of public relations suicide –  An advert showing office workers singing with their mouths full. That’s right; you know the thing your mother taught you never to do? They did it then shoved it in your face around tea-time. Less ‘finger-licking-good’ and more ‘fingers-down-throat vulgarity’. Thankfully, my respect for the British public has been restored by the fact that this horror show has now become the most complained about advert ever thanks to nearly half-a-million prim and proper gentlefolk.   Manners are thus more important than morals – God Bless you Britain.

The Top 10 Signs That Indicate You've Been Formally Accepted into Someone's Family

Evening kids.

I havent blogged in a while as the pressures of working full time and trying to study hard enough for an MA are pretty huge. However, in an attempt of procrastination, here's a bloggoweb.

I've been living with my lovely girlfriend and her parents in their house for almost seven months now. It was tentative at first, now today I feel officially part of the family. Here's why in a blog I call:

The Top 10 Signs That Indicate You've Been Formally Accepted into Someone's Family.

In reverse order

10 You feel as if you can make them a cup of tea and it wouldn't be weird.

9 You've met some friends of the family.

8 You know how everyone likes their tea.

7 You can cook for them in their kitchen.

6 You know where EVERYTHING lives in their kitchen and the specific order that bowls / dishes have to be stacked in, in order for kitchen doors to close.

5 You don't feel guilty picking up the home phone

4 You're at ease opening the front door, to someone who isn't obviously the post-man.

3 It's socially acceptable to put things that you like on their shopping list.

2 You get included in the names of Christmas cards.

1 You go to the toilet, but before you can lock the door, the family cat is inside the bathroom with you. Instead of freaking out and ushering it out like a good guest, you duly lock the door, have a wee, it parades around your feet and then waits for you to finish washing your hands and then politely stares at you; asking you to unlock the door with a single look. You then duly leave thinking that all of this is completely normal and when quizzed about it...No-one cares because, 'yeah, she does that sometimes.'

Awesome

Love to all.

Twenty Five Things I’ll Never Understand

With the recent news that Zurich-based petro-chemical company Petroplus is on the verge of bankruptcy, it made me ponder other things I don’t understand. Surely there’s always a demand for petrol right?

                     

1 Why Katy Perry ever thought it would be a good idea to get married to Russell Brand.

2 Why big ‘geek-chic’ thick-framed glasses are a la mode. You look like a tool. You probably don’t even need to wear glasses. If necessity dictated that you had to wear glasses of some description; you wouldn’t choose ones that weighed a ton and squished your nose. 

3 When and where to use a semi-colon and where to use an actual colon.

4 Why in recent months China is more capitalistic than the USA. (China’s populous are rioting over the delay of the new iPhone product release, whereas the Americans are trying to censor and restrict the Internet in a rather totalitarian way.) 

5 How television production company Endemol is £2.3bn in debt, when the British public have had to suffer ten series worth of Big Brother which would’ve brought them loads of money. 

6 Olber’s Paradox. (The idea that if the universe is filled with a near infinite number of galaxies each with an infinite number of stars then why is the sky not incredibly bright?)

7 Why the Coen brothers are still allowed to direct films. Their films are like this sentence, they don’t have an...

8 How the good British people invented trains, football, MP3 players, the Internet, steel production, calculus, and the jet engine...and why we’re now shit at making the most of them. 

9 Why Steve Jobs has been idolised. He wasn’t Farraday, Curie or Dirac.

10 Why in university education, the number of contact hours with academic staff is inversely proportional to the importance of the year of study. 

11 How the British people haven’t rioted over the over-taxation of fuel....yet.

12 Why nurses, social workers and our armed forces don’t get paid more. The vast majority do a brilliant job every single day for less than your average call-centre-monkey.

13 Who Kim Kardashian is, or for that matter, why she’s famous for being it.

14 How a person can allow themselves to reach a weight which leads them to being juxtaposed to a marine mammal. I weigh 16 stone and I’m self-conscious about it. How the hell do you get to 40 stone without thinking ‘mmmm, I think I better put the fork down now.’

15 Why people with lots of money buy conceptual art. If a toddler can make it, it’s not art: it belongs in a f*ckin’ nursery.

16 How Apple got away with storing iPhone users’ geographic movement data for years, apparently without realising. Then, to have the cheek to say ‘oops, we didn’t realise’ when they were caught. Seriously? That’s a hell of a lot of data.

17 Why women don’t realise the beauty industry is based more on Adobe’s Photoshop, than on science or ‘Bifidus Nutrisse Ultra-Shine GlossMax Micropore Digestivum’.

18 Why every single British government have tried to ‘re-design’ the NHS since its inception. Stop faffing around and just give it more money! Silly MPs - you won’t be in power to see your proposals go through anyway!

19 How Bruce Forsyth is still alive. (It’s depressing he’s physically fitter than I am, despite the fact he’s wiser by 60 years.)

20 How you could ever think that it would be a good idea to shag your sister-in-law. Then continue to do so for eight years. Ryan Giggs anyone? 

21 Why Madeleine McCann’s parents haven’t been arrested for child negligence. They abandoned their child in a locked room so they could go out drinking with their yuppy friends whilst on holiday. What did they expect would happen? 

22 How the cinema-viewing public CAN’T find Keira Knightley annoying. She needs acting lessons and a food source. FAST. Wait...there’s a poor food pun there....QUICKLY.

23 The need for people to put grated carrot on salads.

24 Why Hotmail accounts haven’t been quarantined in some Chernobyl/Pripyat style humanitarian operation due to the sheer volume of computer viruses that live therein. It’s a bloody write-off isn’t it?

25 Why it’s so hard to find a job in Berkshire.

Thanks for reading.